666YOR

‌i had a dream about you. not with you just in the dream, but ABOUT you. it was really weird and detailed. and it's weirder since i hadn't thought about you once for the past maybe 30 hours or so. idk.

july 20 8pm

july 23 my mind is blocking out all the reasons why i liked you. there are so many but when i try to remember i feel this weird resistance. i hate saying "my mind is doing this, and my mind is doing that" but it really feels like i have no control over it. i hate that i'm tricking myself into hating you. you don't deserve it. i miss you. i'm sorry. even after you're gone i'm having feelings about you that i've never had about anyone else ever before. i'm weirded out about how not-at-all depressed i am about you being gone. i really thought i'd be more upset, but instead i just think about you sometimes. what's also weird is that i'm not even really thinking of you as i write this. your name and face aren't in my mind, just the idea of you as someone, a raw personality. not "grace", not the canadian girl with weird cool hair, but an energy that just "is" you. it's such a weird feeling. i'm writing this deep in a hidden memo on my phone but i hope one day you'll read this. i miss you.

august 26

i really miss you but i'm terrified of texting you. i hope you're okay

august 28

i really want to talk to you just to clear my head on what happened. you don't even need to come back, i just need closure. i really don't want to be on bad terms with you and it tears me apart. in the past few days i've been missing you a lot more for some reason. i'm dying for you to reach out, because i'm too scared to.

august 31

i'm learning to better control my emotions around you and about you but it's very difficult. i'm going to shut up about them because talking about them realizes them and they get worse